Carta Blanca

I always knew I didn't fit in this world. I first noticed this when I was very little. I'd play with other kids, but having fun was not the way I would describe my feelings at the time, I usually experienced a sensation of awkwardness. Sometimes I would even feel threatened by things that were supposed to be jokes and innocent, silly child games. Most people would say that I was a fool, perhaps it's true, but I think I just had a different perspective of the world.

Some say that you can tell a lot of things about a person by his or hers sense of humour. Many times I felt like I was forced to laugh, but I didn't quite understand where the fun was. I found other kids to be boring, and a whole lot of other kids must have thought I were dull. This, along causes of a different nature, made me choose to remain silent, and watch. Yes, I was a lonely boy.

Playing by myself was better, I could do whatever I wanted, but truth be told, I secretly yearned for someone whom I could relate to, and truth be told, I made sure I wouldn't find anyone like that. I had already built myself a comfort zone, my own magical kingdom, where everything made sense and I was just fine, happy enough. Without even realizing it, I made an enigma out of myself, like a frosted glass that conceals what's inside. Perhaps I wasn't strong enough, perhaps that was my nature, it doesn't matter, the fact is I wouldn't allow myself to be open to others. And then I found out something about myself that made it all clearer, or caused it all to get much worse...

I liked boys. And I was fine with that, I was happy to be gay. However, that's not enough to erase the pressure that everybody else's common sense puts over one's shoulders. At one point, I even thought "I'll have to get a girlfriend eventually". The idea terrified me. Over time I realized how ridiculous it was to even consider it, but then I was naive and weak.

Coming out, albeit accidentally, was one of the best things that could have happened to me. Even the air I breathed felt different, lighter. Consequently, I began to hang out with some friends more often, now that I knew who were real friends and who wore just a facade. However, playing by myself was still a guilty pleasure, perhaps not so guilty. I guess some things are just the way they are.

Just like in a cliche drama movie, the worst was yet to come: my encounter with love. As a teenager, I had this fallacious idea of how there were very few gays in the world, and so the first one I met would have to surely be my soulmate. It's so stupid, but at such a young age, it kept me worried and anxious. This led me, partly, to become a bit obssesive and insecure, and for one thing, jealous as hell.

Once again, I verified I was essentially different than most people, at least, than most boys my age. I had met many boys already, many of them cute, some of them sexy, but almost all of them had the intellectual potential of a drooling ameba. And also, there was a widespread uncontrolled sexual energy that drifted to a disgusting lack of values, such as faithfulness, trust, honesty. As Deleuze would say, it was the flood, and all codes were washed away. Those people were not really looking for love, not the same love I was looking for. At some point, I thought it was a sign of the times, relationships will change, and maybe I'll have to adapt myself to it. I wish I could go back in time to bitchslap me.

Everything turned out to be so complicated, and I just wanted a simple thing, a simple kind of life, "a simple man, so I could be a wife". I'm aware I'm caught in a pre-made conception of what love is, but if it makes me happy, I don't mind.

I'm giving myself carte blanche to just be myself, without holding back, no more stuff bottled up, no more apprehension of offending anyone by putting words to what I am.

I am timid. And I am oversensitive. I am a lion. I am tired and defensive. I have insecurities. It's not that I'm needy just need you to see me. There will be no more pretending. I am temperamental. And I have imperfections. And I am emotional. I am unpredictable. I am naked. I am vulnerable. I am a boy. I am opening up to you...

Andrés Gutiérrez

~

picture taken from http://unamenteobsesionadacon.blogspot.com/2011/06/extranas-anotaciones-en-un-cuaderno.html

this entry contains quotes from "Simple kind of life" by No Doubt, and from "I am" by Christina Aguilera.

Just Like Jesse James

You're struttin' into town like you're slingin' a gun
Just a small town dude with a big city attitude
Honey are ya lookin' for some trouble tonight
Well, alright

You think you're so bad, drive the women folk wild
Shoot 'em all down with the flash of your pearly smile
Honey but you met your match tonight
Oh, that's right

You think you'll knock me off my feet 'til I'm flat on the floor
'Til my heart is cryin' Indian and I'm beggin for more
So come on baby
Come on baby show me what that loaded gun is for

If you can give it I can take it
'Cause if this heart is gonna break it's gonna take a lot to break it

I know tonight somebody's gonna win the fight
So if you're so tough
Come on and prove it
You heart is down for the count and you know you're gonna lose it
Tonight you're gonna go down in flames
Just like Jesse James

You're an outlaw lover and I'm after your hide
Well you ain't so strong, won't be long 'til your hands are tied
Tonight I'm gonna take you in dead or alive
That's right

You break the laws of love in the name of desire
Take ten steps back cause I'm ready baby
Aim and fire
Baby there's nowhere you gonna run tonight
Ooh that's right

Well you've had your way with love but it's the end of the day
Now a team of wild horses couldn't drag your heart away
So come on baby
Come on baby
Come on baby you know there ain't nothing left to say

If you can give it I can take it
'Cause if this heart is gonna break it's gonna take a lot to break it

I know tonight somebody's gonna win the fight
So if you're so tough
Come on and prove it
You heart is down for the count and you know you're gonna lose it
Tonight you're gonna go down in flames
Just like Jesse James

You think you'll knock me off my feet 'til I'm flat on the floor
'Til my heart is cryin' Indian and I'm beggin for more
So come on baby
Come on baby, come on

If you can give it I can take it
'Cause if this heart is gonna break it's gonna take a lot to break it

I know tonight somebody's gonna win the fight
So if you're so tough
Come on and prove it
You heart is down for the count and you know you're gonna lose it
Tonight you're gonna go down in flames
Just like Jesse James

Tonight you're gonna go down in flames
Just like Jesse James
Tonight you're gonna go down in flames
Just like Jesse James

I'm gonna shoot you down Jesse James

~

song by Cher

video uploaded to Youtube by MyFavMusic123

Innocence

Me asomé a la ventana y vi las estrellas, brillaban. Era una de esas extravagantes noches en que el optimismo aflora, y la búsqueda de algo nuevo se permea de surrealismo. Porque no existe tal cosa, aunque yo sepa de antemano qué características tiene; y así, desprovisto de sentido pragmático, me lanzo a la aventura de encontrarlo.

Sin abrigos, liviano. Librado al tiempo y a sus caprichos, a su necesidad de un cambio repentino después de una larga complacencia estática. Me acompañó el sonido de mis pasos hasta una casa llena de luces, pero una vez adentro ya no pude oírlos.

Un murmullo continuo e ininteligible me rodeaba, era envolvente, contenedor, pero no significaba nada, porque no me decía nada. Caras conocidas, otras no tanto, y algunas que nunca había visto; daba igual, con ninguna era posible sentirse acompañado, y mi optimismo inicial mutó en cómodo adormecimiento.

Me invitaron unos tragos y fue lo único que necesité para dejarme llevar. La música atravesó mi cuerpo como el agua que es absorbida entre los poros de una esponja y me llenó de sentimientos, algunos inventados y otros legítimamente míos. Me serví del ritmo para sacudírmelos; quería estar vacío, ya que es la única manera y el paso previo para volver a estar lleno, y quizás eso posibilitó lo que ocurrió a continuación.

El encuentro me pareció darse en cámara lenta, como en las películas, con líneas en la imagen, colores alterados y una intensidad artificial. El aire, apenas respirable, se volvió un poco más denso. Su descaro al tocarme anuló mis defensas (inexistentes) y el vacío interno que me había procurado a mí mismo lo llenó de palabras bonitas.

Me propuso alejarnos para poder acercarnos con algún velo de intimidad. Maldije a la luna por revelar mis mejillas de color. Su mano sobre la mía era la causa. Algunos leves y rebeldes estremecimientos alteraban mi percepción de la realidad en ese momento, así que no estoy seguro de poder describirlo, lo que recuerdo es que mis latidos se confundieron con las olas mientras recibía mi primer beso. La marea subió junto con sus palabras. "Sos perfecto. Sos para mí."

Ese fragmento precioso de la costa, ahora mío para siempre, volvería a verme la semana próxima. Esperé. El único beso que me llevé esa vez (y las muchas que le siguieron) fue el del sol al amanecer. No era lo suficientemente cálido. Una buena parte del calendario me tuvo desparramando pétalos en la orilla, eran pedazos que se desprendían delicadamente de mí, y quedaban regados sobre la arena.

Comprendí desde entonces que se puede estar vacío y cargar con valijas pesadas al mismo tiempo. No hay aduanas que controlen el peso del equipaje cuando se trata de sueños rotos.

I looked out the window and saw the stars, they were shining. It was one of those outlandish nights in which optimism emerges, and the search for something new acquires a surreal feeling. And that's because there's no such thing, even though you know what it's like beforehand; and that's how I venture myself to find it with no sense of pragmatism at all.

I go out with light clothing. I moved according to the whimsical nature of time, and it's need for sudden changes after a long time of complacency. The sound of my footsteps escorted me to a light-brimming house, and once inside, I couldn't hear them anymore.

A continuos and unintelligible murmur surrounded me, but it meant nothing to me. There were familiar faces, some others not as much, and some I had never seen before. They seemed all cold to me anyway, and so my initial optimism turned into comfortable apathy.

I've been offered a few drinks, and that's all I needed to let go. The music poured through my body as if I was a sponge and filled me with feelings, some of them invented, and some others originally mine. I shook them off moving by the rhythm. I wanted to be empty, since that was the only way, and the preliminary step to be full again. Maybe that's what made possible what happened next.

It all seemed to happen in slow motion, like in the movies. That's how I met him. There were scratches on the picture, altered colours and some artificial intensity. The air was barely breathable, and it became even thicker. My defenses (practically null) were toppled by his nerve on touching me, and the void I had prepared inside of me soon was full with his sweet words.

He invited me to the beach, so we could grow closer with some veil of intimacy. I cursed at the moon for revealing my blushed cheeks. His hand grabbing mine was the reason. Some mild, rebel tremors were affecting my perception of reality by that moment, so I couldn't give an accurate description, all I remember is that my heartbeats got mixed with the sound of the waves as I was receiving my first kiss. The tide rose along with his words. "You're perfect. This was bound to happen."

That precious spot in the coast, now mine forever, would see me again the following week. I would wait. That time, however, and many more times to come, I could only get kissed by the sun as it rose in the horizon. It wasn't warm enough. A good part of the calendar had me spreading petals on the shore, fragments of myself gracefully detached over the sand.

Since then, I learned that you can be empty inside and carry heavy baggage at the same time. There are no customs offices to control the weight of luggage when it comes to broken dreams.

Andrés Gutiérrez

~

photo 1: taken from http://molymoon.blogspot.com/

photo 2: taken from http://niiaacarri.wordpress.com/2011/05/21/noche-estrellada/

photo 3: taken from http://www.entrevistasderadioaficion.com/2010_08_01_archive.html

How Soon Is Now?

I am the son
and the heir
Of a shyness that is criminally vulgar
I am the son and heir
Of nothing in particular

You shut your mouth
How can you say
I go about things the wrong way
I am Human and I need to be loved
Just like everybody else does

I am the son
And the heir
Of a shyness that is criminally vulgar
I am the son and heir
Of nothing in particular

You shut your mouth
How can you say
I go about things the wrong way
I am Human and I need to be loved
Just like everybody else does

There's a club, if you'd like to go
You could meet somebody who really loves you
So you go, and you stand on your own
And you leave on your own
And you go home
And you cry
And you want to die

When you say it's gonna happen now,
When exactly do you mean?
See I've already waited too long
And all my hope is gone

You shut your mouth
How can you say
I go about things the wrong way
I am Human and I need to be loved
Just like everybody else does

~

song by The Smiths
video uploaded by FilmProjectttttttttt to Youtube