I always knew I didn't fit in this world. I first noticed this when I was very little. I'd play with other kids, but having fun was not the way I would describe my feelings at the time, I usually experienced a sensation of awkwardness. Sometimes I would even feel threatened by things that were supposed to be jokes and innocent, silly child games. Most people would say that I was a fool, perhaps it's true, but I think I just had a different perspective of the world.
Some say that you can tell a lot of things about a person by his or hers sense of humour. Many times I felt like I was forced to laugh, but I didn't quite understand where the fun was. I found other kids to be boring, and a whole lot of other kids must have thought I were dull. This, along causes of a different nature, made me choose to remain silent, and watch. Yes, I was a lonely boy.
Playing by myself was better, I could do whatever I wanted, but truth be told, I secretly yearned for someone whom I could relate to, and truth be told, I made sure I wouldn't find anyone like that. I had already built myself a comfort zone, my own magical kingdom, where everything made sense and I was just fine, happy enough. Without even realizing it, I made an enigma out of myself, like a frosted glass that conceals what's inside. Perhaps I wasn't strong enough, perhaps that was my nature, it doesn't matter, the fact is I wouldn't allow myself to be open to others. And then I found out something about myself that made it all clearer, or caused it all to get much worse...
I liked boys. And I was fine with that, I was happy to be gay. However, that's not enough to erase the pressure that everybody else's common sense puts over one's shoulders. At one point, I even thought "I'll have to get a girlfriend eventually". The idea terrified me. Over time I realized how ridiculous it was to even consider it, but then I was naive and weak.
Coming out, albeit accidentally, was one of the best things that could have happened to me. Even the air I breathed felt different, lighter. Consequently, I began to hang out with some friends more often, now that I knew who were real friends and who wore just a facade. However, playing by myself was still a guilty pleasure, perhaps not so guilty. I guess some things are just the way they are.
Just like in a cliche drama movie, the worst was yet to come: my encounter with love. As a teenager, I had this fallacious idea of how there were very few gays in the world, and so the first one I met would have to surely be my soulmate. It's so stupid, but at such a young age, it kept me worried and anxious. This led me, partly, to become a bit obssesive and insecure, and for one thing, jealous as hell.
Once again, I verified I was essentially different than most people, at least, than most boys my age. I had met many boys already, many of them cute, some of them sexy, but almost all of them had the intellectual potential of a drooling ameba. And also, there was a widespread uncontrolled sexual energy that drifted to a disgusting lack of values, such as faithfulness, trust, honesty. As Deleuze would say, it was the flood, and all codes were washed away. Those people were not really looking for love, not the same love I was looking for. At some point, I thought it was a sign of the times, relationships will change, and maybe I'll have to adapt myself to it. I wish I could go back in time to bitchslap me.
Everything turned out to be so complicated, and I just wanted a simple thing, a simple kind of life, "a simple man, so I could be a wife". I'm aware I'm caught in a pre-made conception of what love is, but if it makes me happy, I don't mind.
I'm giving myself carte blanche to just be myself, without holding back, no more stuff bottled up, no more apprehension of offending anyone by putting words to what I am.
I am timid. And I am oversensitive. I am a lion. I am tired and defensive. I have insecurities. It's not that I'm needy just need you to see me. There will be no more pretending. I am temperamental. And I have imperfections. And I am emotional. I am unpredictable. I am naked. I am vulnerable. I am a boy. I am opening up to you...
Andrés Gutiérrez
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picture taken from http://unamenteobsesionadacon.blogspot.com/2011/06/extranas-anotaciones-en-un-cuaderno.html
this entry contains quotes from "Simple kind of life" by No Doubt, and from "I am" by Christina Aguilera.
